My mom said something a few weeks ago that still bothers me. “It was really nice of him to do it.” Sounds like a benign statement, right?
Who is he? My husband. What was it nice of him to do? Watch his own children on a weekend when he had nothing better to do. She said this in reference to a baby shower that I attended. Apparently, kudos are awarded when I obtain permission to leave the house.
But this may soon change. I am considering going back to work full-time. Actually, I wasn't considering it until late last week, when an unexpected contact resulted in what might be my dream job. At first I completely dismissed the idea. My children couldn't possibly live without me. Our four year old hasn't even learned to swim. Our eleven year old needs too much tutoring with homework
But, as my husband quickly pointed out, we’re through the hard part. Everyone is walking, talking, and potty-trained. Even our four year old attends all day preschool. I’ll require some help in the afternoons, but nothing like the pressure of finding a full-time daycare. Waiting a few years will make no difference in the children’s demands of me, but it might make all the difference in my sanity.
What kind of mom leaves her children voluntarily? I guess the kind that I want to be. I've spent years emphasizing how important education is to my eleven year old daughter. I try to instill self-sufficiency and pride in using her intellect to solve problems. But I don’t practice what I preach. I sacrificed my education, my career, and my entire identity to become a ghost of a mother and wife. And that might be great if I enjoyed it, but I don’t. What began as putting all of their needs in front of my own transformed into placing all of their wants in front of my own needs.
I’m sure this post will be controversial. And that is the problem. I absolutely hate that men are praised when they contribute the smallest amount of effort to their children’s upbringing, but women are vilified if we don’t sacrifice our lives in child-worship. I love my children. I love them enough that I want to be a positive example, not a depressed shell of a mother. I love them enough that I don’t want to live through them. I want my own identity so that I can allow them to have theirs. I want them to experience the joy and sorrow that result from their own choices. I hope they never feel forced to complete any task simply for my satisfaction – it is not their duty to meet my expectation or live up to my standards. Their only job is to be themselves.
So now that I've established that my kids can survive without me, the first question in my mind is, who calls off when a child is sick? If I do it, is it “nice of me” to do so, or is it only nice when my husband does it?
Hi Stella,
ReplyDeleteSuch an interesting scenario before you. I think as a mother your most important job is to show your kids that they're loved. As long as they know this they'll be okay. I'm excited that you can pursue your dreams.
As for your mom's comment. She is from a different era. :)
I don't understand all this motherly guilt, but I guess I also have a hard time understanding feelings in general. Maybe it's a generational thing, but I don't personally know any mothers who watch their kids all day every day. They all use at least some form of daycare, and most use it 40 hours a week. If not being a stay at home mom hurts your kids, at worst they'll be on a level playing field with everyone else. And I'm the one who stays home with sick kids. It's an unexpected vacation, like a snow day.
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