This post isn’t about crap.

When I was in the fifth grade, crap was my favorite word. I remember it clearly. Chris R, a boy who hung the moon for me, instructed me in the proper usage of crap during a film in library class. He is also the first boy that I ever saw in his underwear, so I smile when I think about him. Huh. I used to want to see boys in their underwear. But I digress…

My children came off the bus the other day singing a lovely song:

A-B-C-D-E-F-G

Gummy bears are chasing me.

One is red, one is blue,

One is peeing on my shoe.

Now I’m running for my life

‘cause the red one has a knife.

They are fixated with body functions. Peeing. Pooping. Farting. Boogers. I swear, I spend every dinner snapping, “Don’t talk about that at the table,” over and over.  Good Lord, I’m my mother.

Even our four-year old will arrogantly sneer at her brother and sister and say, “That is inappropriate. You aren’t supposed to use those words in front of me.” Then she’ll smile sweetly and whisper, “I farted.” It will be a miracle if she doesn’t get expelled from preschool. At least she is smart and sneaky.

I’m torn. I curse like a sailor. Always have. My poor parents tried to squelch it, but it just made me worse. I spent most of my real-life career working with men, so it was never an issue until I became a stay-at-home mom. Now I drop a random F bomb at a play date and the crowd goes silent. Whoops.

Kids, here is the bottom line. I drink plenty of tequila and you don’t drink it. There are certain words you can’t say until you come of age, or at least until speech therapy teaches you the letter F, which I’m saving for last. I honestly don’t care if you curse or talk about bodily functions – it will simply better prepare you for your college experience. What I do want is for you to recognize the difference and learn appropriate settings so that you don’t embarrass me in public. Is that too much to ask?