How To Be Social

I have a “How to be Social” Excel Spreadsheet. Aaron assumed I was being sarcastic, which is usually a fair assumption with me unless we’re on the subject of spreadsheets because I have a spreadsheet for everything.

I had one to track my kids eating and bowel movements as infants. I have spreadsheets to track every car repair done on our vehicles. I have a spreadsheet that compiles doctors, symptoms, and medications into a matrix because no one believes me when I give them my son’s health history. When he sees a new doctor, I provide a spreadsheet with a coordinating slideshow and a letter of reference from his general practitioner to prove my mental competency. I have a grocery list designed by aisle with the specific groceries I purchase on a regular basis so I can hit print and simply check off what I need in order, ensuring I never have to return for a forgotten item. And I have one for how to be social.

This probably isn’t what you expected, Aaron. It isn’t “Look people in the eye occasionally” or “Don’t discuss anal sex when your grandmother is within earshot”. The only things I know about real life social interactions are:

1. Let your spouse make introductions so you don’t have to remember anyone’s name.
2. Develop catchphrases so you can ignore people and they’ll think you’re engaged. Interrupt occasionally and say, “Well, what are you going to do?” or make comforting noises. They like that - especially the noises. At least, I think they do.
3. Don't accidentally refer to kids as "those little fuckers" during a play date

My spreadsheet is a guideline I compiled as an author because I started from nothing. I had no social media accounts until last summer and no idea where to start or how to build them. The only thing I knew was what I DIDN’T want. I didn’t want to yell “buy my book” over and over to a non-existent audience or badger the few friends I have into submission. I didn’t want to offer or endorse other books or products I didn’t truly love. I didn’t want to feel obligated to write a good review as a trade or tweet a book promotion for something I’d never read or, even worse, read and didn't like. I didn’t want to waste time begging bloggers or reviewers to throw me a tiny scrap of attention. I wanted to find the people who would understand me, and I wanted them to relate to me enough that they wanted to read it.

To avoid the things I didn't want, I needed a platform - someplace to start. So without further ado:

HOW TO BE SOCIAL

The author version

1. Create email/Google +
2. Create Facebook acct
3. Create blog
4. License domain
5. Design website
6. Google analytics
7. Google webmaster tools
8. FB & G+ pages for book
9. Google verify
10. Create Twitter acct
11. Add +1 button to website
12. Ensure photo shown with Google search results
13. Goodreads - establish as author
14. Cross-link all accounts
15. Keywords to increase traffic
16. Product video trailer / YouTube acct & link
17. Contact local library, book stores, authors
18. Focus in on social media where audience responds
19. Add in extras - Pinterest, Instagram, etc.
20. Sell yourself, not your book

That was my list to set the stage. Since then, I’ve had tons of help. Some of my social media accounts have been rewarding. Some haven't. An author friend of mine is wildly successful on Facebook, where I have almost no following other than a few real, supportive friends.

On the flip side, she's lukewarm with Twitter, whereas I found it to be a revelation, a place where I was accepted and surrounded by "my people". My cousin Liz, who’s younger, prettier, and more hip* than I gave me Twitter 101 training classes because I was so intimidated in the beginning. It is the most complicated social interaction I've ever come across - with more unwritten rules than my parents - but in my opinion it's the most rewarding. It's a place where ideas connect with no physical form or substance to limit or inhibit them.

So Aaron, I can't tell you how to be social. I've blown off three people in real life this morning just to type this post. But I will say keep trying. If what you're doing isn't working, try something completely different - something off the wall. Write a book that mortifies everyone you know except your lawyer, who's hoping to cash in on your impending divorce. Embarrass your parents on the internet. Write a blog and use it to annoy all your friends. All I know is a year ago I felt completely alone. Now I don't.

* Just the fact that I couldn’t think of another word besides hip means I'm approaching an age where I'm likely to break one.