Our Confuse and Heckle Parenting Approach - the forefront of parenting innovation

Three kids and eleven years into this child-rearing hell, we finally came to the conclusion that logic doesn’t work with children. We’re slow learners. It took us a while to shed our book-parenting philosophies. We tried sticker charts and incentive programs. We implemented natural consequences and practice proportional discipline. Our kids still annoy the shit out of us.

About half-way through our 7-hour car drive to my parents’ house, clinging to the end of our sanity, our new parenting philosophy was born. When the kids complain too much, screw trying to logic with them and forget the child psychology crap – confuse and heckle them instead.

When 8 asked what time it was, my husband laughed and responded, “10 minutes before the next time you ask.” Then to confuse our son further, he added, “How many seconds are in a day?”

8 sat quietly, then finally responded, “24 times 60 times 60.”

Meanwhile, the eleven-year old fired up her phone to Google it. I know which kid is going places and which is going to end up on twitter.

The method is simple. Every time your child asks an inane question or complains, give them useless advice or ask a question that has no relevance to their original statement and entertain yourself instead.

Three days into this endeavor, it seems to be working. Last night, the kids were fighting over Lego's. When 8 came to the kitchen to tattle, we attacked.

“Aren’t you a conflict resolution manager at school?” I asked. “Use your training.”

“Synergize,” my husband chimed in.

“Get back down there and find a win-win,” I choked, crying because I was laughing so hard.

8 left the kitchen disappointed and trudged back down to be assaulted by his sisters, which made us laugh even harder.

My parents looked at us in awe. My dad explained that the only conflict resolution they needed was a paddle. He doesn’t understand that the kids’ bathroom walls everywhere from school to the library are papered with “Do your parents hit you at home? Call this number” fliers. Don’t get me wrong – I don’t support child abuse – but there are more than a few kids I know who could use a good smack. Most of them are probably entitled enough to pull out the iPhone their parents pay for and use it to report them.

We had to explain that the kids know what we’re talking about. Their school adopted Stephen Covey’s The Leader in Me and trains them in this bullshit. At ages 8 and 11, they’ve spent years attending morning meetings. They have personal mission statements. They’re fully prepared for careers as frustrated middle managers.

11's summary of the program: “If everyone is a leader, then no one is. They don’t want us to think. They want us to be sheep. Baaaa.” Her criticism of The Leader In Me makes me more proud than her Presidential Academic Excellence Award, although it does worry me that she'll see through our confuse and heckle parenting approach.

Regardless, instead of being parenting sheep, we’re going to be on the forefront of parenting innovation. If our confusion method works well, maybe I’ll survive my remaining years without AA. If not, it’ll give our kids plenty to rebel against later. Either way, they’ll want to get out of our house, and that, folks, is a win-win.

My Least Favorite Things

Today I was thinking about my Grandma. Which made me think of the Sound of Music. Which made me think of this song (because I'm kind of like that mouse in the Give a Mouse a Cookie book). It has no relevance to anything except it made me laugh. And I'm sure my Grandmother would consider it blasphemy, which is as good a reason as any to post it on the internet.

So without further ado, My Least Favorite Things - to be sung to the tune of My Favorite Things from The Sound of Music.

Raindrops while running and whiskers on women

Forgotten backpacks and one lost school mitten

Brown paper packages that aren’t for me

These are a few of my least favorite things

Cream colored carpet all covered in streudels

Alarm clocks and texting and kids demanding noodles

Wild geese that crap on my car as they sing

These are a few of my least favorite things

The cart at the Wal-Mart determined to crash us

My son when he’s constantly covered in rashes

School cancellations that last into spring

These are a few of my least favorite things

When the guinea pig bites

When the kid screams

When I’m feeling sad

I simply remember my in-laws aren’t here

And then I don’t feel so bad

Sometimes I don’t want to talk. It’s just that simple.

Sometimes I don’t want to talk. It’s just that simple.

It isn't personal or directed at you. I’m not mad. I’m not ignoring you. I’m not plotting your death or some type of revenge. I’m not stewing over the way you put the dishes in the dishwasher wrong every freaking time (okay, well, maybe occasionally that one - you know who you are).

I’m quiet. It might be because I’m

hungry

or tired

or compulsive

or frustrated

or sad

or happy

or contemplative

 or processing information

or analyzing my options.

Sometimes I don’t want to interrupt you.

Sometimes I’m in a hurry.

Sometimes I don’t have anything to say.

Sometimes I’m focused and don’t want to lose my concentration.

Sometimes I’m wrapped up in my own thoughts and actually don’t notice you.

When I’m forced to talk, I feel trapped. But it is always about me. It isn't about you, nor is it a judgment of you. So when you take it personally and assume I’m removed or distant or arrogant, try to remember I don’t process the outside world the same way you do. I'm still interested in your opinions and what you have to say. The world over stimulates me. I gather my strength from the quiet.

Yes, I keep people at a distance, but those I let in, I love fiercely. But as much as I love them, and love new experiences and new people, I revere silence. If my silence offends you, we probably won’t be friends. I have to allow enough space in my life for me, and sometimes that means not responding in the manner or time frame you’d prefer. I won’t respond to every text, Facebook request, Twitter message, voice mail, or phone call. My real friends know this. And they know I love them anyway. 

I scrawled this entire post on a scrap of paper as I drove down the interstate this afternoon in silence. No radio. No phone. Me. My thoughts. This is my happiness.

Rhonda Lee Carver: Everyone deserves romance—one page at a time…

This morning I'm interviewing Rhonda Lee Carver, the first author I ever met in person. She mentioned she was an author as we watched our daughters' gymnastics meet, and I kept thinking, "But she seems so normal. She's an author?" Rhonda was the first person who made me think maybe, one day, I'd be capable of writing something too.

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Suffering from years of hopeless romantic notions with sexy, sassy heroines and bad-ass heroes taking residence in her mind, Rhonda decided to write, bringing the stories alive. She has published an array of spicy love stories. Her specialty is men who love to get their hands dirty.

When Rhonda isn't crafting edge-of-your-seat, sizzling novels, you will find her with her children, watching soccer, watching a breathtaking movie, traveling to exotic places, doing (or trying) yoga, and finding new ways to keep life interesting.

Rhonda thrives on making her readers happy. She believes life can be a challenge, but reading is a place where fantasy comes to life. Everyone deserves romance—one page at a time…

Check out her newest release: Sin Win Cuffs. Because you'll probably enjoy Rhonda's guys more than an evening with your husband.

Click for Sin With Cuffs on Amazon

When Holly comes back to her hometown, the last thing she wants is to connect with her old flame, Liam, who is now Chief of Police. When soneone in town wants Holly gone, Liam vows to protect her. One thing leads to another, and soon Holly finds herself full of craving for a man in uniform. Resisting the burning desire becomes torture, and neither is strong enough to deny the temptation. Wrapped in a cloak of heat and passion, things begin to unfold.

Holly has a reputation for being a "bad girl." is it all in rumor, or does it hold a sliver of truth? Liam swears he'll never forgive her for breaking his heart years ago,  yet he'll do anything to keep her safe. Soon he finds something far more dangerous than murder and suspense...he realizes he is still in love with Holly. Can he trust her?

Holly can have it all - delicious man, lovely home, and a stable future for only a small price...she must let go of the past. Is loving Liam enough?

Interested yet? She's beautiful, smart, and, for a short time, you have a chance of getting her for free. Not like that, doofus. Get your mind out of the gutter. 

Rhonda has agreed to give away one signed copy of Sin With Cuffs or an ebook version, depending on your preference. Simply comment on my blog at the bottom and a winner will be selected at random on Tuesday, June 11th.

And now, because I've probably embarrassed her enough, Rhonda speaks for herself: 

Do you recall how your interest in writing originated? 

When I was thirteen, I read a Harlequin romance and I was hooked. I began writing short stories, mainly small-time thrillers, but my writing morphed into steamy novels.

Your men are strong, sexy, enigmatic characters. Do you base them on people you know, and if not, how do you come up with inspiration for them? Are they the type of man you’re attracted to?

I've never based my characters specifically on one person, although, I can’t deny that some character qualities are adapted from something someone (real) has said or done. I have an image of my hero, or heroine, before I begin the first sentence. I would have to say that I do find the men I write attractive, but not necessarily any man I've dated. To write a true-as-possible character we must have an attraction for them, male or female. Many of my male characters have physical and emotional flaws, and some of my heroines do too. I think dysfunction is juicy. But what makes it even juicier is when the sassy heroine comes along and stands up to the hero, helping him face his demons.

What are the challenges in bringing multiple places and people to life and giving them a distinct flavor or personality? 

A majority of the places I write are “fake.” I also like writing about the common man, or men who like to get their hands dirty, and naturally that places my story line right smack dab in the country setting. Horses don’t belong on Fifth Avenue. Firefighters aren't usually found in an Armani suit. And a uniform belongs on a down-to-earth hero.

You've written numerous novels at this point. What do you wish you’d known when you started?

I wish I’d had more confidence. And marketing skills, of course. A writer can never, ever, have too many skills at promoting their work. I wish I’d been more savvy in that area from the start.

If you could go back and change anything in any of your books, would you? If so, what? 

Yes, I guess. I have a list of things I’d like to change from each book I've written, but I won’t bore you. After all, it’s too late to change anything. I guess my theory on this is…Mistakes are made so we can become better. However, I will name one thing…I wish I’d made Friends With Benefits longer, at least by ten-thousand words.

Is there a message throughout your novels that you want readers to grasp? 

Beauty is in the heart, not in the skin. And second chances are opportunities.

If you had to pick a favorite of all your books, which would you pick and why? 

Second Ride Cowboy, which will be released soon. I absolutely love the ending, and I think readers will also. A few years ago, I wrote Second Chance Cowboy, and Duke and Lila, secondary characters, needed their time in the spotlight, inspiring my second cowboy story, Second Ride Cowboy. As I wrote this story, another pair of secondary characters blossomed and I’m beginning my third cowboy story in the series.

Do you believe ex’s can be friends? 

I do. But you have to work at it. I also believe in second chances. My own love story involves a second round with one love.

What’s your favorite time of day? 

Whatever time it is that I’m writing.

If someone knocks on your window at 2 am, who do you want it to be? 

A fairy godmother who has come to tell me that I have three wishes she will grant.

What are you listening to right now? 

My wee one playing with her kitten. She is giggling and running through the house squealing. I ask myself how it’s possible I can concentrate. It must be love.

Do you prefer a night in or a night out? 

Night in. I’m a homebody. Aren't most writers loners?

What is the first thing you notice about people? 

Their eyes. After all, they are the windows into the soul.

What was the last thing someone bought for you? 

An iced coffee.

What’s your favorite smell? 

My man when he gets out of the shower. Masculinity, musk and promise.

What are you reading right now? 

My friend Tracey Jackson’s book, Bound by Blood.

Do you have a special talent? 

I’d love to say writing, but honestly, there are so many better and talented writers than I am. I’m actually envious. So, I guess my special talent is honesty.

Do you believe in the happy endings that you write? 

Yes, I do. I don’t paint happy portraits for readers because my belief is that life ISN'T all summed up in a pleasure bubble. Life and love is challenging. We don’t pick who we “fit” with, instead, we “fit” with the one made for us.

Rhonda Lee Carver...Be Naughty and Nice: Welcome Guest Stella Maddox

Rhonda Lee Carver...Be Naughty and Nice: Welcome Guest Stella Maddox: I'm thrilled to have lovely Stella Maddox visiting. Thank you for dropping by. Stella is giving away A Thousand Tiny Cracks . One l...