Recognize that title? It's from Jerry Maguire, my favorite movie of all time. And a fitting reference for today, I believe, since it's the title of Jerry's memo. His co-workers are touched by his honesty, they applaud and congratulate his efforts, then he's fired because no one likes to discuss or admit an ugly truth.
Yesterday, to no fanfare and to my shock, I received an
email informing me that my book is now for sale on Amazon. I had to walk away
from the computer for a while to compose myself. That’s how I deal with
everything. I walk away from it until I can figure out how to handle it. There is probably something wrong with me. I should be over-the-moon,
cracking-open-champagne excited. Instead, I’m terrified.
I’m not used to being scared. Through school, my career, and
even as a mom, I’ve always felt confident. Especially when it comes to my
career, I’ve actually never considered myself anything but competent. However,
this book puts a whole new spin on things.
When people label me as a writer, it makes me uncomfortable.
I’m not illiterate, but I have no delusions of grandeur when it comes to literature.
My book was a silly project. It gave me something to do, to think about, to talk
about other than my kids and husband. I never truly thought I’d finish it, much
less find someone willing to publish it. Each step of the way was a small
challenge, and Lord knows, I can’t resist a challenge.
This is the first time in my life I’ve done anything I don’t
already know I’m good at. And I’m doing it in front of everyone I know. They’ll see a side of me that they never knew existed. Everyone thinks things they don’t
say, but to put those thoughts into words – to explore your mind and place it
on a table for public consumption – is much more frightening in actuality than
it was in theory.
My husband asked me what will happen when our kids are older
and want to read it and I told him that it doesn’t bother me. I want to teach
them to both achieve and fail with equal grace. I want them to feel free to be
themselves with the knowledge that I’ll love them regardless, and part of that
will be admitting that I’m just as weird as they are. Or possibly a little more
so.
So I hope you want to read it, but as I tell everyone, it
isn’t a condition of friendship. If my book becomes the world’s most
time-consuming paperweight, I’ll still be proud that I wrote it.
I would be terrified too. You're putting yourself out there to the public with a product that is very personal to you, rather than something produced for a company or something like that. It's totally okay to feel that way. It's also very exciting, and I'm sure that will kick in too. :)
ReplyDeleteGreat post, Stella. I understand your fear of letting other inside your head. It can be paralyzing, but you didn't let that happen. You struggled and won.
ReplyDeleteCongratulations on publication. Many, myself included, have been anxious to see more of your writing. I can't wait to get started.
Good luck with this one. I hope it wont be your last.
Thanks :) Now that it's had a few days to sink in, I can breathe without hyperventilating. I'll take it as a good sign.
ReplyDeleteAs you should be. Writing a book is no small feat.
ReplyDeleteInteresting that you are such a confident person, until now. It looks like you've met your match. However, you're already rising to the occasion with grace and poise. I have no doubt you will flourish and chart a course for others to follow.
I am almost finished with the current book I'm reading. Then I have one other that I promised a friend I'd read. Then I'm reading yours.
Now I'm going to find that trailer we've been discussing. :)