When I
was single, marriage was the holy grail. I spent my days searching for
chemistry and fun, which led to passion, and, if I was lucky, proceeded to
intimacy. From there, my relationships stabilized for a short time, then ended.
Except for one.
Is there
a reason marrying is synonymous with settling down? I loved my husband more
than anyone on this planet the day I married him, but in every relationship, I
believe there comes a choice to settle for what is left or move along.
People
change over time. Before marriage, I was a long-term relationship girl. Almost
every time, I left the guy confused because he didn’t anticipate the break-up.
The relationship began with passion and intimacy, but over time, I would
maintain that façade of stability as I changed internally. When the internal
change became too great to maintain the illusion – boom – end of relationship.
I spent 13
years in the declining bliss of my marriage. And it was blissful in the
beginning - we were everything to each other. But careers, children, and the
mundane toll of daily living pushed me into denying myself, my true self, to
maintain the illusion. This is normal, even expected, although no one admits it
out loud. If you ever need proof, create a Twitter account.
The
things I want today at 38 are not the same things I wanted when I married at
23. I’m not the same person as I was a year ago, or even six months ago. As I
grow and change, sometimes it is the most difficult to convey that growth to
the person who has known me the longest – my husband. He loves me for what we
were when we met, for his idea of me. Trusting that he will continue to love me
through those changes, placing complete and total faith in him, is terrifying.
Lies are a normal, expected part of marriage, but total honesty is radical.
The
problem is that every time I deny myself, I scold myself into not living. I
place the value of my husband’s life above my own. Over the years, he became
the man I loved so much that I had to protect him from the real me.
A
marriage, like a child, has to mature to move forward. I’m finding that our
teenage years are similar to any others. We’re experimental. We test
boundaries. We search to explore and redefine ourselves because it is no longer
fulfilling to contain ourselves within the old façade.
The last
year has been the hardest of my life. It has also been the best. Life is a
collection of experiences and those I turned down simply for the sake of my
husband became the road not taken, the regret list. I don’t want to end my life
with regrets and I don’t want my husband to either.
So we
choose honesty. We choose to acknowledge and share pieces of ourselves that
aren’t socially acceptable even within the confines of our home. It isn’t easy,
but we made a conscious choice to grow and adapt instead of living our lives in
the rut we spent 13 years creating. It is freeing, exhilarating, and
terrifying, but we are finally learning to love each other without limits.
Very nice piece, Stella. It is honest, real, and reads at break neck pace.
ReplyDeleteThe concept of honestly being radical within a marriage is something I had never thought about, but its true. I had a wise uncle tell me about wives once, "They make you lie to em." I believe that to keep the peace that is true, but it does create a disconnect of who we really are to each other.
A very thought provoking piece. Thanks for sharing.
Beautifully written, Stella. My husband and I have been married for 32 years. I met him when I was 17 and he was 23. We married two years later. At 17 I was completely clueless as to who I was and what I wanted and he was too. We've grown up together. He likes shooting pool and drinking beer. I like coffee klatches with my gardening buddies. He likes video games. I like writing. He likes horror flicks. I'm not much a movie gal at all. Honestly, we don't have very much in common at all. But we click. We talk. We laugh and share the good and the bad. He's my best buddy and I'm very lucky.
ReplyDeleteMarriage isn't that difficult when there is mutual respect. When we each have an equal desire to see our partner succeed there is no resentment, no need for dishonesty. Easier said than done, but doable.
I don't think you'll have regrets in the future, Stella because you're thinking about it now.