My no fail turkey. No joke.

My four year old daughter asked me repeatedly over the past two weeks, “Is it time for the turkey’s bath?” Today, she is thrilled because my turkey soaks in heat transfer bliss, awaiting its final incarnation as the piéce de résistance on my Thanksgiving table.

Thanksgiving intimidated me for years. Like passing boards for medical school, it took an enormous amount of preparation. Well, maybe not quite that much. But when I became a stay-at-home mom, hosting Thanksgiving was a final exam of sorts. It was my mother-in-law’s revenge for every criticism I’d uttered under my breath. She was and is a fantastic cook. I sucked for a long time. In college, I lit my first kitchen on fire three times. I might have been more successful if I could’ve scrambled eggs in a beaker over a Bunsen burner. Aspirin? That I could synthesize. A moist, yummy turkey? Not so much.

For years, I honed my culinary, hospitality, and child-rearing duties while my husband happily slobbered in front of the television. Without fail, he offered to entertain the kids with the parade and, without fail, within forty-five minutes of that offer the kids were fighting and he was asleep. Year after year, I struggled – pies, potatoes, time outs – until it all improved (even the kids’ behavior) but the turkey still sucked. Until now. I have a no fail turkey recipe. You hear that? No fail. Unless you allow the bag to touch the heating elements in your oven, in which case I’m not responsible for the damage.

I’m no genius and I didn’t devise this myself. It came to me of its own volition as I was crying in front of the TV, a gift from the Food Network gods. It is blatantly plagiarized off of Food 911. But this is the best freaking turkey ever. We fight over the leftovers and even occasionally make it on days that aren’t, gasp, Thanksgiving.

Enjoy!

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turkey

2 sticks butter

½ bunch sage (or 1 tsp dry sage)

Salt & pepper

1 giant plastic turkey cooking bag

1 cup pure maple syrup

¼ cup water

1 package bacon

2-3 Tablespoons flour

Thaw the bird. Combine butter and sage in a bowl. Remove anything in bird cavity. Rinse bird with cold water and pat dry. Sprinkle skin and cavity with salt and pepper. Use a knife to slice small slits in the turkey skin and stuff in chunks of sage butter. Cook with or without stuffing according to turkey directions on the bag.

For the last hour or so, drape bacon over the turkey and add the maple syrup/water mix. Baste every 30 minutes, closing the bag in between. Let the turkey rest 20 minutes before opening the bag and carving. 

Combine the skimmings w water and flour to make gravy. Heat, then strain.

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